Uncertainty

I hate uncertainty the most.

But i know that I can’t always find answer to every question.

I’m aware that some things can’t be described as clear as possible.

I know that some things just remain vague

and are better left unsaid.

 

“Are you attached to me?”

You said you don’t know.

If I leave maybe you’ll find the answer…

 

Maybe.

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Room

A gloomy morning welcomed her again

With a new chapter she wished she didn’t enter

The clock ticking sound that echoed

Fought with the meaningless cacophony on the street

The sunbeam tried to find a way through the windows

To bath her shivering body that lay on the dusty floor

She wasn’t alone yet wasn’t aware of

The Devil that stood quietly by the door

Time went slower when she contemplated

The Devil stared at her in anger; grew impatient

In the end she ran out of sanity

The last remaining bottle popped

One pill, two pill, three…

She lost count

End This Here, Now

The voice in my head:

Look at you! You’ve made it to the next day so let’s celebrate it!

Entertaining yourself sounds good. Why don’t you watch something?

Turn the TV on and see if there’s something good to watch.

Movies? Perfect! Now you just have to grab some snacks.

Enjoy your day while it last!

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I promise you,

Everything’s going to be okay.

Epiphany part 2

You did it again. It seems like taking someone for granted is your specialty. You knew you would be broken. You should’ve known you would just suffocate yourself even more.

Yet you still pushed him away.

 

You made a choice.

Now you have to live with the consequences.

Epiphany

epiphany (noun)

a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you

 


 

Prior 2010

“You shouldn’t hate him. He is still your dad.” –My mom

Yes, mom. It would’ve been easier if he was such a good father figure. Not only he hurt you, he also left home when i was five. I mean, I liked him when I was little but as I grew up and learnt that he went to another woman instead of going home… I started to hate him.

He did us wrong and he didn’t even try to make it up. He just left…

Well, he went back and forth to this house after like what? A year? But it doesn’t make up everything he’s done, mom.

Growing love is harder than developing hate towards him.

 

“Where’s your dad? I’ve only seen your mom so far…” –My not-so-close friend in middle school

I don’t know. I’m curious too. Maybe he’s alive somewhere. Maybe he died?

He’s certainly not at home this moment. I don’t even remember the last time he was home.

Oh, I wish I had the answer for you.

 

February 13, 2010

“Your dad is in coma right now. He was having a stroke” –My aunt

Wow. Great. After all that he has done to us he finally paid the price, right? The universe is fair. Karma does exist. Just great!

Am I happy? Then, what is this feeling?

 

February 14, 2010

“Your dad.. probably had a premonition of what was coming. He visited us, he went to his old friends, he was basically visiting everybody he knows around the town. It was unfortunate that he couldn’t visit you. He had it (stroke) after he took a shower. He wanted to go there (the city i live in) that morning.” –My dad’s relative

I sipped the tea they served. It already went cold. I couldn’t say a thing neither could I lift my face. I just stared at the empty little teacup. Yet I was fully aware of how many eyes were on me at that time. I was in a totally unfamiliar place surrounded by strangers. I guessed they’re my dad’s relatives.

My dad passed away in this house. It took seven hours drive from where I live.

I could see how much people who live in this house care about my dad…  I was somehow thankful.

At least he was surrounded by love until he dies.

 


 

My mom and I shared a bed together at that night after his burial. It was a rather quiet night until she began telling me stories I’ve always wanted to hear. The explanation I’ve demanded from a long time. The truth.

My dad actually wasn’t as bad as I thought.

He always tried to make up his mistakes.

“You should know that he truly loves you. He’s always concerned about you and your brother.” –My mom

All of sudden I realized  what I felt. I felt sorry to my dad. I was angry at myself, at the world. I felt so stupid that I used to hate him.

The regret rapidly expanded, breached and damaged the inside of my heart.

At that time the reality hit me hard.

I love him too. I don’t hate him.

But now I’ve got no chance to tell him anymore.

He passed away.

He said his goodbyes, just not to me, my brother and my mom.

He left this world before I could say sorry to him.

He left.

Again.

But he’s not coming back this time.

Torn

Billion of stars and a moon above my city

Another day, another story

I’m lost again on a street

Trapped between flock of mortals

 

I may be blind but I can smell it

Injustice and poverty around the corner of this city

I may be blind but I can hear it

Prejudice that spills out of these city dwellers’ mouths

Against unfamiliar faces they have never even seen

I may be blind but I can see it

Their desperation and misery crawling out

Through the varnish of their laughter

 

Then we bump into each other

Another stranger, another name

And you think our story ends there

Until you pull me

Saving me from the tragedy

Just like that

Strangers become family

And family become strangers

 

But what about this city?

This city needs saving too

I may be blind but even I can feel it

This city is falling apart

The rubble becomes ashes

And the ashes become history

Sea

Your tears

Raining down

Become a puddle

Then become a sea

in silence

 

The wave crash

against your soul

and your heart

becomes a shipwreck

 

You hide the agony

inside sandcastles

You wait for someone

to destroy them

 

But how long would you wait?