Something in the Rain

Kayseri, in the winter, smells like a mixture of firewood ashes from the chimneys and pinewood trees. It was a foggy day; 3 days after I confessed my feeling. I was sitting at a tram station waiting for him.

Looking back, I wasn’t sure when exactly I started to like him. Yes, I had interest in him though I never realized that those feelings have been bottling up into a crush. I think I was in denial at the beginning since he’s good friends with a guy I was closed to. I didn’t want to make things complicated between the three of us. Moreover, I was in the process of forgetting my previous relationship. Everything was tangled together.

This was the first time I fell for someone this fast. I hardly knew anything about him. I think it was about the contradictions, which was funny cause he said the same thing about me the other day.

If you take a glance at him he may look like he’s a tough stone to crack, yet he’s actually funny and easy to talk to. He looks like he’s living a carefree life yet he’s passionate about something and is really good at it. People who don’t know him may think that he’s emotionally numb but he’s a guy who took care of 2 cats and bawled his eyes out when one of them died.

In some days, in between our conversations, I could never read or predict what he was gonna do or say. I knew that he’s bad at expressing himself and honestly it made things difficult for me at first. I didn’t know how but I just knew that deep down, he’s just as lonely as I was and he needed someone as much as I did.

He promised me an ice cream the day before so we bought it and went sitting at a park. We started talking a lot about almost everything. Suddenly it rained and we were stuck.

He promised me hugs as well so there we were, sitting side by side, concealed from the rain, hugging each other. The park bench felt smaller but my world felt a little wider. The air outside was cold and damp but inside I was warm and fuzzy.

That was the moment when I thought,
“I guess this year wasn’t so bad after all…”

It wasn’t bad at all because of him.

remember when we were stuck in the rain? – a spotify playlist

Autumn

Autumn came; barging in without a warning. Long gone the summer breeze and early sunrise, replaced by strong wind and cloudy grey skies. The chirping sound of birds is now replaced by the creaks of fallen leaves everytime I take a step. Gloomy days and depression started creeping in.

The euphoria of this year’s summer ended earlier than I expected even though my expectation was at the lowest. Everything I’ve built throughout this summer started to crumble slowly, juxtaposing the vast change of the seasons. It was surreal. I felt like I dissociated from my body when I watched things fell down before my eyes -from my relationship to my mental state. Everytime I thought I hit a rock bottom I slipped away and fell a little deeper. In the end I got stuck with nowhere to go.

I was extremely scared. I feared that I would reach the point where I’m completely numb. To the point where I can’t feel even slightest bit of pain. I was fearless when I felt the friction of sharp blades against my skin yet I feared that I would end my journey here, miserably and alone. It actually took a handful of bravery to be a coward. It took me numerous attempts, ugly cries, and series of relapse to be so close to give up. I’m glad I failed.

Everything never goes according to plan with me. Things I plan are never realized and the impulsivity within me always wins. For years I’ve been letting myself decaying inside and the moment when I decided to rise struck me like a lightning. Though the interval of taking the decision to overcome everything was short, it was impactful. In a flash I found myself sitting in front of two strangers, talking about my struggle in the past months, years. They asked me why I never came running before. I made up same lame excuses I always tell myself; no time, no money. In reality I think I was again scared. Asking for help is never easy.

It’s been a week and I’ve been documenting every emotion I have day by day. After taking some pills and forcing myself out to socialize, I think I’m somehow better. Being left alone with my thoughts is not as frightening as before. The pain isn’t so vivid anymore. Now that the lucid dreams are gone my unconscious self felt a bit at ease. There’s still an emptiness that fills up about half of my cup. I wonder when it will go away completely.

I convinced myself that what I’m dealing right now is the aftermath of my psychological breakdown. I’m no longer in the prologue or main chapters. The stories are done or so I hope. And now I just have to write the epilogue.

The fight still continues to this day…

Summer

I hate summer.

I don’t remember the last time I spent a good time in summer. For the past 7 years it’s always been sad, lonely and filled with depressive episodes. This year is no different.

Months ago, exactly in summer, I fell again into the depression slump and I’m still trying to crawl out since then. On my worst day, I was actually thinking of buying cyanide and ending it all.

Now I’m better.

Though that thought never goes away. It completely resides in the back of my head and resurfaces at my weakest.
The question is will I let the thought take over myself or will I fight back?

I think me being here already answered it.

I just wish this writing doesn’t make you lose hope cause I still haven’t lost mine.

What I’ve been listening to:

In A Sentimental Mood – John Coltrane

Good Days – SZA

midnight thoughts – artemis orion

What I’ve been reading:

The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone by Olivia Laing

Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell

When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

A Reminder

To listen to chirping birds in the morning

To let the sunshine warm your face

To run your fingers in meadow

To look up to the sky and gaze at the stars

To never take every single thing for granted

To take a deep breath

To take one step at a time

To never give up on yourself

To never lose yourself

Blue

People come and go.

 

That’s what I’ve been saying to myself lately.

I was too confident. I thought I didn’t have to wouldn’t experience this anymore but who am I kidding? Again, I have to remember that people come and go. I just forgot the ‘go’ part is always painful and hard to deal with. Always.

So here I am, shivering  in the middle of the night while writing this. Crying over someone who is probably sleeping safe and sound. Who doesn’t care about the amount of tears I wasted or all the anger that exploded. Who just simply… doesn’t care.

And I found myself crying again.

My head hurts.

Uncertainty

I hate uncertainty the most.

But I know that I can’t always find answer to every question.

I’m aware that some things can’t be described as clear as possible.

I know that some things just remain vague

and are better left unsaid.

 

“Are you attached to me?”

You said you don’t know.

If I leave maybe you’ll find the answer…

 

Maybe.